This just in: Activists from the ELF struck early Saturday morning at the University of Minnesota's Saint Paul Agricultural Research Campus. It seems they stole into the building under the cover of night and through the front door for which they apparently had a key. Once inside they tipped over many plants and uprooted several more. On their way out, they glued three locks shut and wrote "Free the seed" on a wall outside. The plants, mostly soy and oats, had been altered to be more resistant to disease, especially fungus. In an effort to create healthier plants, scientists for many years have been altering the genetic make-up of crops like corn and soy beans. Tests have shown that these plants pose no risk to human health. The research has been set back months.
All kidding aside, the ELF has to be an entry level activist job. These poor kids sign up for the mission picturing themselves on a Greenpeace raft in the North Atlantic running alongside an aircraft carrier and getting hosed by a Coast Guard cutter. Then they get the news. "Uhhh yeah, you can join us on the raft, but we have just a quick job or two for you first." Next thing you know they're doing battle with the mighty intimidating likes of an office plant. Fools. I bet that ficus really put up a good fight you cowards.
If these clowns are anything like the Animal Liberation Front, who also struck the U of M this year, there will be film at eleven. The ALF vandalized laboratories and "freed" several animals, most of which were found dead a few days later, all the while videotaping the brave event. In an attempt to mail their heroic actions to another ALF group they blew the address and sent it to the home of a retired police officer who took it to the precinct and brought the hoodlums down like a ton of bricks. Little tip boys, smoke the weed AFTER the job is done. I wouldn't imagine the Workhouse menu has too many vegetarian offerings.
I saw a little bit of a story on the lovely and talented Ms. Julia Butterfly who lived in a tree for two years. It would seem she had her waste removed from her perch through the use of a make-shift pulley system. The poor young activist that had that job is really hating it. He fancied himself at the front line, "Down with Capitalism dude. The wheels of the revolution are gonna' crush you man!" Next thing you know he's pulling Julia's dukes out of a tree in the middle of nowhere. Here's to you ya' magnificent bastard. The ELF is a step up for you, and I create a movement more solid than the ELF first thing every morning.
God I'm a jerk.
There are people on this site who's opinions obviously differ from mine. But surely even they would realize that well researched, clearly rationalised, persuasive and intelligent debates, like those offered by Barry Stoller, Lark, NJ, MGD, Piper and others will do infinitely more to further a cause than the senseless, juvenile hooliganism perpetuated by the ELF. I don't know. Maybe I'm nuts.
Source: Saint Paul Pioneer Press and Dispatch
