- Creative Writing -

Mad Cow Disease,

While no cases of "mad cow disease" have YET been reported in the USA, all of the scientists admit that the conditions are ripe for it to crop up here. In the past few years, the use of mechanically deboned meat has picked up at an alarming pace in this country. Hamburger (ground beef) is one of the biggest uses for this product, which often contains bits of spinal cord-which can transmit Mad Cow disease if it is present in ANY of the cattle processed this way.

This disease is believed to originate as a random mutation that produces a defective brain protein that is improperly "folded"or assembled and induces other molecules of the same protein to re-configure themselves into the defective shape. As a result, the protein is infections. This disease-causing agent is calle a "prion"-and it must be ingested to spread the disease. It contains no DNA or RNA-it rather is simply a protein molecule that has an effect much like rust on steel on other, normal molecules of the same protein.

There HAVE been some reports of spongiform encephalopathies(of which Mad Cow Disease is the bovine version) in animals fed beef declared unfit for human consumption here. Given the delay tiome for these illnesses, it may already be too late to keep humans from getting sick as well. Only the notoriously weak USDA meat inspection process kept the meat that made these animals sick from being fed to humans instead!

It will be pure chance that determines which hamburger chain gets the "honor" of causing the first US cases of human "mad cow" disease, but as McDonald's is the biggest, they have the greatest chance. I'm sure they felt real lucky it was Jack-in-the-Box(and not them) that made people sick(and killed some victims) with E. coli bacteria.

Accordingly, I suggest the following media campaign: Take the "Golden Arches," change the shape and color just barely enough to rule out a trademark-infringement suit, and use it as the first letter in "Madcow" for "Madcow Hamburgers-you'll go crazy for our beef! The logo should also include a dancing cow in a straitjacket.This could be used anywhere McDonalds advertises-children's televison, racing cars,magazines, billboards-you name it!

As evidence of the effectiveness of such a campaign, let me cite a rumor from Atlanta in the mid-1970's that dropped sales of McShit there by a third.
When somebody ranching nightcrawlers for fishing bait started franchising out his business, he told a local paper he wanted to become "the McDonalds of worm farming." Soon, people absentmindedly read about this and thought McDonald's was going into the worm business themselves. Why? to grind WORMS into HAMBURGER meat! After all, when ground beef comes out of the grinder it does look like so many worms. As the rumor spread, sales plummeted in the Atlanta region. Ray Croc's people ordered local managers to shut up and let the rumor run its course, but one of them panicked and went on the telly to deny it. As a result, the rumor went national and sales declined by a third in many parts to the United States. Finally Ray Croc had to appear on TV personally, saying "ground beef is only fifty cents a pound! Nightcrawlers are three dollars!" Only then did his worm troubles end. For the rest of his life, Croc could not bring himself to say the word "worms."

If this rumor could be resurrected, it would teach McMaggots the real meaning of the word "libel"-after all, TRUTH is supposed to be an absolute defense to the charge of libel.

Between McLibel, McMadcow and McWorms, I think these guys could well be given enough rope to hang themselves!

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